EDMONTON — Following Canada's loss of the Stanley Cup to America for the 31st time in a row, international authorities have confirmed that Canada will indeed lose its status as a recognized country, as Stanley Cup tradition demands.

LOS ANGELES, CA — In an act of rebellion against the men who have repeatedly kept her down throughout her life, singer Taylor Swift spelled out "F--- The Patriarchy" in contrails with her $10 million private jet.

NEW MARKET, MN — Sources close to Cliff Johnson say that the father of seven was in for a horrid surprise last weekend when a tiny, pipsqueaked little punk in the backseat asked him, "Dad, isn't speeding a sin?"

POPLAR BLUFF, MO — After reaching the end of another taxing Sunday pouring himself out to minister to his parishioners, a local pastor who gets paid $17,000 a year was shocked to hear from a disgruntled congregant that he's just in it for the money.

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