You know‚ as the passions of election season rise‚ it’s easy to become hateful toward your political opponents and harbor daydreams of‚ say‚ picking them up by the heels and slamming their heads repeatedly into the floor‚ preferably a hard floor‚ like in a tiled bathroom so you can then carry them by the heels over to the toilet and dunk their heads in there again and again and finally just stuff them deep into the hole and flush and flush until they swirl down into the sewer like the pieces of crap they are and you can just watch their loafers disappear with a glowing inner sense of a patriotic job well done. But we should always remember that we are Christians and plumbers are expensive‚ and if even one of those clowns gets himself stuck in the pipes‚ the bill is going to be astronomical. And also‚ Jesus said‚ “Love your enemies.” And sure‚ I don’t know what the hell he was talking about either‚ but just in case it was something important‚ I sometimes like to take a step back from the political fray and try to seek common ground between the conservatives trying to preserve American prosperity and liberty and the locusts trying to devour all that in a frantically clamorous black cloud of insectile greed and demonic stupidity. So for just a few moments‚ let’s put our animosities aside‚ and try to make a level-headed comparison between conservative philosophy and those noises leftists make that sound like a cross between a tortured seagull and Joy Reid. Conservatives believe that individuals are created to act freely within the broad confines of human moral understanding‚ and that that freedom can only be maintained by strictly limiting the power of the powerful. WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show Leftists believe that whenever someone says that in their vicinity they should set cars on fire and shout him down by chanting meaningless bumper sticker slogans at the top of their lungs until the spit flies from their mouths and their eyes roll up in their heads and still‚ they go on shrieking and shrieking “This is what democracy looks like!” until it’s clear to everyone but the news media that leftists think democracy looks like an entire city burning to the ground while mobs of mindless thugs steal every piece of electronic equipment they can lay their hands on‚ when really I think democracy is supposed to look more like voting‚ but maybe that’s just me. Conservatives believe that normal human life centers on the complementary natures of the two sexes‚ male and female‚ which were made to come together in committed love in order to continue God’s creation of life in a harmony of spirit and flesh. Leftists believe that human sexuality is best represented by Richard Levine‚ who currently sits in a strait jacket in his shadowy cell in the bowels of Arkham Asylum‚ but dreams of the day when he and the Joker might escape into Gotham City so he can don his woman costume and once again become the supervillain Rachel with the power to drag children to his moldering hideout in the foggy crags of Mount Perversion where he can begin the experimental surgeries that will turn boys into girls and vice versa until those fools who imprisoned him finally realize he’s the normal one and they’re all mad‚ mad‚ mad‚ I tell you. Conservatives believe that capitalism is a genius economic system because it uses human ingenuity and free choice to create more wealth for every level of society than ever before in human history. Leftists believe that if they can just steal that wealth at gunpoint‚ they can use everyone else’s money to build a utopia so beautiful it will be worth enslaving and slaughtering the millions who try to get in their way like they did in the last six utopias. Conservatives believe that the greatest blessings humans know on earth are their children‚ and society should be built to support the healthy family life that is their best environment. Leftists believe babies should be killed in the womb because once they’re born all they ever do is scream gibberish and use up your resources and crap all over everything … so they’re just like leftists and no one wants more of those. CLICK HERE TO GET THE DAILY WIRE APP * * * Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment‚ “The House of Love and Death‚” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.” The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Vince McMahon‚ the co-founder of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE)‚ resigned from his positions at the parent company of the WWE and UFC‚ TKO Group Holdings‚ on Friday after a bombshell lawsuit was filed in federal court this week that accused him of sex trafficking a former employee. Attorneys for Janel Grant filed the lawsuit on Thursday in U.S. District Court in Connecticut. Details contained in the lawsuit appear to match allegations that surfaced in 2022 that led to McMahon stepping down from WWE. The lawsuit seeks to void a non-disclosure agreement and seeks an unspecified amount for punitive damages and Grant’s legal fees. McMahon resigned from his position as TKO Executive Chairman and from his position on the TKO Board of Directors‚ according to a statement he released. “I stand by my prior statement that Ms. Grant’s lawsuit is replete with lies‚ obscene made-up instances that never occurred‚ and is a vindictive distortion of the truth‚” McMahon said in the statement. “I intend to vigorously defend myself against these baseless accusations‚ and look forward to clearing my name.” “However‚ out of respect for the WWE Universe‚ the extraordinary TKO business and its board members and shareholders‚ partners and constituents‚ and all of the employees and Superstars who helped make WWE into the global leader it is today‚ I have decided to resign from my executive chairmanship and the TKO board of directors‚ effective immediately‚” he added. WWE president Nick Khan confirmed McMahon’s departure in a memo that was obtained by ESPN. “I wanted to inform you that Vince McMahon has tendered his resignation from his positions as TKO Executive Chairman and on the TKO Board of Directors‚” he said. “He will no longer have a role with TKO Group holdings or WWE.” CLICK HERE TO GET THE DAILYWIRE+ APP Grant‚ who worked for the company from 2019 to 2022‚ alleges that she was in a vulnerable state when she met McMahon because her parents had just died and she had effectively devoted her life to “around-the-clock caregiving.” The lawsuit says that her time at WWE centered around gratifying McMahon’s sexual desires‚ which allegedly became more extreme and violent over time‚ and led to her suffering serious physical and mental health issues — including “debilitating” PTSD and serious thoughts of suicide. McMahon allegedly pressured her to sign a non-disclosure agreement in exchange for a $3 million payout in an effort to conceal the events that happened. He allegedly only paid $1 million and did not make further payments. The lawsuit alleges that McMahon gained complete control over Grant’s life and used his power to abuse her repeatedly and subject her to humiliating acts and embarrassment. McMahon is accused of grooming Grant for his sexual desires over a period of several weeks where he dangled employment opportunities in front of her as he slowly broke down boundaries and made veiled threats that she could not tell anyone or else she might face lawyers backed by McMahon’s massive fortune. Related: 13 Of The Most Explosive Allegations From The Lawsuit Against Wrestling Kingpin Vince McMahon

Iranian-backed Houthi terrorists struck an oil tanker near the Arabian Peninsula on Friday as President Joe Biden refuses to take adequate military action to stop the group from conducting routine attacks that are disrupting global trade in the region. “On Jan. 26‚ at approximately 7:45 p.m. (Sanaa time)‚ Iranian-backed Houthi terrorists fired one anti-ship ballistic missile from Houthi-controlled areas of Yemen and struck the Marshall Islands-flagged oil tanker M/V Marlin Luanda‚” U.S. Central Command said in a statement. “The ship issued a distress call and reported damage.” “USS Carney (DDG 64) and other coalition ships have responded and are rendering assistance‚” the statement continued. “No injuries have been reported at this time.” Purported images of the ship that circulated online showed fire-crews trying to extinguish a blaze that was on the deck of the ship. Trafigura‚ the firm operating the ship‚ said the vessel was carrying “Russian naphtha purchased below the price cap in line with G7 sanctions‚” Reuters reported. The United Kingdom Maritime Trade Operations (UKMTO) said that the incident happened approximately 60 nautical miles southeast of Aden‚ Yemen. CLICK HERE TO GET THE DAILYWIRE+ APP “A Merchant Vessel has been struck by a missile and remains on fire‚” UKMTO said. “Coalition Warships are in attendance and supporting the vessel. All crew are reported safe.” During the early morning hours on Saturday‚ CENTCOM said that it conducted a self-defense strike against a Houthi anti-ship missile. “On Jan. 27 at approximately 3:45 a.m. (Sanaa time)‚ U.S. Central Command Forces conducted a strike against a Houthi anti-ship missile aimed into the Red Sea and which was prepared to launch‚” CENTCOM said. “U.S. Forces identified the missile in Houthi-controlled areas of Yemen‚ and determined it presented an imminent threat to merchant vessels and the U.S. Navy ships in the region.” “U.S. Forces subsequently struck and destroyed the missile in self-defense‚” the statement continued. “This action will protect freedom of navigation and make international waters safer and more secure for U.S. Navy vessels and merchant vessels.”

'It was one of his crowning achievements of a storied‚ long career'

'Miraculously‚ the child was in his car seat and the bullet passed through'

'A shining example of humility and gratitude'