President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden launched his re-election campaign last week with a fiery speech near Valley Forge‚ Pennsylvania‚ in which he declared‚ “Donald Trump is not fit to be president‚” and then wandered off-stage‚ tripped over his own shoe-heel‚ tumbled down a flight of steps‚ rolled out the door while flailing his arms and blinking rapidly with an empty expression on his open-mouthed face‚ and finally awoke two days later in a truck stop in Lancaster County wearing an Amish hat and a Guns N’ Roses t-shirt before being led back to the podium by First Lady Dr. Mrs. Jill Biden whom he mistook for his grandmother and sobbed because he thought she had passed away in 1943 or at least it was very difficult to wake her up from her nap. The speech was delivered on January 6‚ exactly three years‚ eight months‚ and 20 days after leftist riots claimed at least 25 lives‚ and caused around $2 billion in damage‚ making them the most costly political violence in the nation’s history — and also three years after that thing at the Capitol where all the idiots ran around stealing furniture and stuff. Speaking in tones so sonorous with righteous anger they made the drool on his chin quiver‚ Biden said‚ “We stand today at Valley Forge. Never forget. What happened here? No‚ really‚ what happened here? I don’t remember. Oh yeah‚ something about George Washington and feet. And there was blood on the snow just as there would have been blood at the Capitol on January 6‚ if people had been standing in the snow with no shoes on‚ which let’s face it‚ is a pretty stupid thing to do and George Washington should have known better. Always wear boots when you’re in the snow. This is America‚ for God’s sake. It gets cold here‚ especially in the winter at Valley Forge. But meanwhile‚ in Washington on January 6‚ we almost lost our entire democracy. And sure‚ for that to happen‚ it would have taken some unimaginably extraordinary series of events where‚ like‚ someone in the Capitol accidentally butt dialed his mistress at the Pentagon who then fell off the lap of the Secretary of Defense causing him to topple backwards off his chair shouting a string of incomprehensible curses that just happened to sound like the nuclear code so that some idiot DEI hire panicked and launched a missile at China which then got sidetracked and fell on Pennsylvania Avenue blowing up our entire democracy. But who knows? That could have happened! And it was all because Donald Trump is not fit to be president. If he were‚ I wouldn’t be standing here today in this Amish hat and Guns N Roses t-shirt‚ crying about my dead grandmother. What a wonderful woman she was. I wish I’d known her. But the point is‚ if Donald Trump is elected‚ he’ll try to jail his political opponents and censor free speech and curtail religious liberties. Or maybe that’s me‚ I always get confused about which one of us starred in The Apprentice and which one is the fascist. And so as I begin my campaign to become whatever it is I’m running for‚ I just want to say this: Never forget. What happened that day? No‚ really‚ what happened that day? I don’t remember.” Democrat voters were so excited by the Valley Forge speech‚ they contributed a million dollars to the Biden campaign in a single 24-hour period‚ during which it became worth $400‚000 because of inflation. Nonetheless‚ Joy Behar of “The View” reacted to the speech by saying‚ “Don’t tell me President Biden can’t handle this job. He’s on fire. Oh‚ why do I sell my soul and humiliate myself to prop up this doddering senile buffoon? Wait‚ is the mike still on?” In other reactions‚ journalists immediately began fact-checking President Biden’s assertions in a magical land of my imagination where journalists fact-check President Biden’s assertions. And Democrats in Congress rallied around the president to congratulate him on standing upright and speaking something almost like English at the same time. Donald Trump‚ meanwhile‚ said he was so offended by Biden’s accusations‚ he planned to assemble a private army and overthrow the government. * * * Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment‚ “The House of Love and Death‚” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.” The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) predicted this week that President Joe Biden is going to pardon his son Hunter Biden this December regardless of the outcome of the presidential election in November. Cruz made the prediction during the most recent broadcast of his “Verdict” podcast with co-host Ben Ferguson as Hunter Biden pleaded not guilty this week in a California federal court to nine criminal counts related to alleged tax crimes. Hunter Biden also faces federal gun charges‚ which he already pleaded not guilty to late last year. “My prediction is in December of 2024‚ Joe Biden will pardon Hunter Biden‚” Cruz said. “Win or lose. If Biden were to win‚ I think he’ll delay the pardon until right before Hunter goes to jail. But if Biden is losing‚ I’d put the odds at 95% that in December of this year‚ if Biden has just lost the general election‚ that he pardons his son‚ and he gives him a scot free get-out-of-jail pass.” “And so‚ understand Hunter’s legal strategy is delay 11 months‚ don’t go to jail for 11 months‚ and then daddy gives you a get-out-of-jail free card — and it’s why the House needs to keep their eye on the ball and bring Hunter for the public hearing‚” he continued. CLICK HERE TO GET THE DAILYWIRE+ APP WATCH: I predict that Joe Biden will pardon Hunter Biden. If Biden wins in 2024‚ I believe Hunter will be pardoned right before he goes to jail. If Biden loses‚ Hunter will be pardoned right before Biden leaves office.https://t.co/nLkY9VHBuE pic.twitter.com/AEwryfbJk6 — Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) January 12‚ 2024 Cruz also addressed Hunter Biden getting up and leaving a U.S. House hearing this week during the middle of the hearing‚ saying that the president’s son showed up to show his defiance to lawmakers. “Hunter Biden didn’t show up just to say screw you to the Congress‚ but to say screw you to the American people‚ that I’m the son of the President‚ I can do whatever I want‚” Cruz said. “And he knows the Biden Department of Justice‚ they’re going to be no consequences.” “The arrogant contempt‚ and by the way‚ it’s consistent‚” he continued. “It is Hunter Biden’s approach. It is Fauci’s approach. It is Merrick Garland’s approach; it is Alejandro Mayorkas’ approach. It is Joe Biden’s approach.”

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