The guys with the long-hair are very worried about the issue of old music. No wonder. With so many classical music concerts, they have received news that there is some guy running around town playing the flute, which is a bland instrument with no distortion or anything. Although it has an elongated shape, the dude uses it to blow, not even to hit things, or make noise, or anything really hard and manly. Finally, it is worth clarifying that in classical music distortion is conceptual, like the origins of the raw material in creative nouvelle cuisine. My junkie neighbor tells me that things are really bad, and that all we need now is for the flute guys to start playing the harp; he ignores the fact that there has already been a harp concert recently only a couple of streets down. And the truth is that it wasn’t all that bad. Since the polyphonic version of Deep Purple’s Smoke on the Water that an ex-girlfriend had on her cell phone, I haven’t seen anything quite as thrilling. The metalheads’ concern has been triggered by the arrival in the city of such hostile instruments as the clarinet, the violin, the tambourine, always provocative, and even the xylophone, the wimpiest instrument in the history of music. With the arrival of the xylophone, which especially irritates Pantera fans, the police had to cordon off the area, but even so failed to prevent a group of men sporting Iron Maiden T-shirts from biting the instrument before entering the police van, tearing off several metal bars. The bites from the metalheads, wild but harmonic, propitiated from the xylophone the first notes of Bach’s The Art of the Fugue. Fate is cruel. Classical Music This ancestral style of music originated in the 70’s when Paul Stanley of KISS was in the studio engineering “Detroit Rock City.” In the creative heat, the artist had to tie himself to a backwater in the afternoon and breathe. So, during a cigarette break, Stanley grabbed a keyboard and started killing time composing The Four Seasons, Requiem Mass, and The Firebird in a quarter of an hour. Minor works in Stanley’s career, which were later attributed in a manner as indecent as it was random to Vivaldi, Verdi, and Stravinsky, shortly before winning the Miss Finland contest, gave birth to the golden age of classical music. Stanley has always disassociated himself from this affair. There is a new stream of classical music created with AI applications in their freemium versions and it has become the music for waiting rooms of illegal urological clinics. Instrumentation In a way that my Metallica fan friends can understand, I would say that classical music instruments can be divided into two groups: the ones you don’t listen to and the ones you listen to too much. The former include things like the oboe or the cello, while the latter include clarinets, flutes and piccolos, and of course the xylophone, which used with precision is capable of vibrating the balls of a male flea more than a kilometer away. It is probable that the big bang began with a little angel improvising high-pitched xylophone notes on top of a cloud. It is now fashionable to include in classical music concerts tribal instruments brought from remote jungles that, until the appearance of modern conductors, had no contact with humans. If you want to try it and don’t feel like going to the jungle, try blowing hard through a nutshell. I’m not in a position to promise it, but I’ve heard rumors that the next Guns N’ Roses single, if there is one, will feature a blown walnut solo in homage to the ever friendly Chip and Dale. Triangle As for the triangle, scholars of musical stupidity disagree: my thesis is that, if the triangle is a musical instrument, I am Cristiano Ronaldo. So, most probably, the triangle is a musical instrument. Absurd, yes, but an instrument nonetheless. Anyway, you metalheads don’t recognize it as such because there’s no way you can play Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap with a triangle, unless you put an AC/DC LP in your stereo and use the triangle to hit play. Distortion Finally, it is worth clarifying that in classical music distortion is conceptual, like the origins of the raw material in creative nouvelle cuisine. So if you need distortion to really enjoy any kind of music, the best thing to do is to try playing a Wagner vinyl at full volume, but only after letting the cat play with it for a couple of hours. I’ve tried it and, if the cat’s nails are sharp enough, it will sound like Scorpions on an mp3 player bought on Shein. READ MORE from Itxu Diaz: Make Government Small Again Ten Priorities for Trump’s New Administration The post Classical Music Explained to Metalheads appeared first on The American Spectator | USA News and Politics.