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Election Campaign Handbook for Winners
A candidate is a politician who knows they won’t win the election, but does everything they can to hide it. Winners are not candidates. They are simply winners. In the final stretch on the way to Election Day, the leadership of both parties are probably living their worst nightmares. As a political adviser of international prestige, I feel obligated to help them make that final stretch more bearable and effective. It is not by happenstance that I was an adviser to the Catholic Monarchs during the conquest of Granada; the speechwriter for several of José Mourinho’s press conferences, where he stayed silent and only gesticulated; and Churchill’s oft quoted bartender. My skills still remain from those days.
How to dress?
The Pole Mivotito Aussev was probably the most elegant politician of his decade. In his famous work Odziez Wyborcza, also published in Finland under the title Vaalilautakunnan Vaatteet, he said, “Every electoral candidate should pay close attention to his attire.” The rest of the work, about 800 pages, repeats the same idea but with different words, all of them in Polish. A language I do not speak thereby making it very difficult for me to understand Aussev’s thesis, which, on the other hand, lacks any interest.
For decades, it has been believed that a candidate in a campaign should wear street clothes and go unnoticed. On the other hand, Public Relations 101 tells us that the most important thing is for the candidate to attract attention. The two theories are not fundamentally opposed — a candidate should definitely avoid being naked. Even more so in winter. The main enemy of electoral victory is the cold. No one with a runny nose can be president.
When asked whether or not they should wear suits, the answer from the experts consulted is blunt: “We don’t have the faintest idea!” Suits are associated with the far right, similar to how slovenliness is tied to the far left, and I am not sure that this is the image our politicians are after.
An Element of Distinction
Ever since Obama turned his skin color into a symbol, many political leaders have tried to do the same. Kamala is no exception, except Kamala is not a leader of anything. Spanish politician José Zapatero, now a Bolivarian millionaire, contorted his eyebrows into the shape of a tent. I don’t know if he did it on purpose or because he sneezed while he was touching them up with that thing that Shein sells. Hillary Clinton tried on several occasions to turn black, but, having failed in her endeavor, she opted for lying as her distinctive element (hat tip to her husband).
Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni became pretty, but there is no record that before the election she wasn’t. Meanwhile, former Vice President Al Gore put on a lot of weight, perhaps because he ate his voters. While Carter… who was Carter? Argentine President Javier Milei cut his hair — not too much because therein lies his liberating strength, like Sampson. President Joe Biden managed to learn his own name — at least for one of his first rallies. And Obama learned to dance salsa, which, in the end, turned out to be the only thing he does well.
The Infinite Salary
There are two promises that make voters happy — free beer for all and an infinite salary. That the West is antiquated can be clearly seen in the infinite salary debate (a thorny issue that politicians still do not dare engage in). Today, any two-bit campaign strategist is familiar with the phrase “infinite salary for all.” On the other hand, in the West there is still talk of a “minimum wage,” which is a stale concept, a loser, and reeks of Maoism. Who really wants to have a minimum wage? We all want a maximum salary. And, if possible, an infinite one, like that of a member of the European Parliament with a post in his national party.
As for free beer for all, let’s be clear, it is a universal right enshrined in the International Bill of Human Rights. It is also codified under the auspices of the Geneva Conventions, which, as you know, state that, “Every man has the right to a gin and tonic whenever he pleases.”
The Rallying Tone
Politicians now have a button, like on a cell phone, that allows them to choose various speaking styles depending on the audience they are addressing. One of my favorite pastimes is to sneak into a meeting, where I have not been invited, and put the speaker in “airplane mode.” The partisans also find it entertaining, especially when the candidates slowly unfold their arms, pinch their noses to imitate a robotic voice, and ask the passengers to exit the plane, thanking them for having chosen to fly with their company.
One can guess the rallying tone because the orators reach a high pitch, inaccessible to other humans, and only comparable to the frequency used by male Egyptian Vultures when they want to signal to the female their urgency in forming a family. The coincidence is striking because the Egyptian Vulture is the only bird that looks as if it has also been suffering insomnia for weeks. It is a cousin of the Tawny Owl, which does not know how to blink and is stopped at all drug checkpoints.
In addition to this flute-like tone, rally speech sounds like something between a harangue, a rugby team, and the political pontifications of a drunkard in a pub. Everything is allowed except what might anger those present — attendees who are also deaf to all stump speeches that focus on regurgitating millions of economic indicators from 1975 to the current month.
Ask for the vote?
Finally, I cannot insist enough on the ineffectiveness of asking for their vote. Whoever asks for the vote proves that he desperately needs it. And nobody wants to vote for a loser. There is only one thing that angers a citizen more than seeing his party lose the election, and that is realizing that there is no longer an excuse to go out drinking on election night. If you want to win, don’t ask for the vote, just tell the voter: “This is the way it goes, otherwise, you can stick your vote where the sun don’t shine.”
Follow me on my Tinder channel for more high-level political consulting tips!
READ MORE from Itxu Díaz:
The Ultimate Test to Decide Whether to Vote Wrong, Very Wrong, or Terribly Wrong
The Mutation of Stupidity
Krugman Tries to Denigrate Trump, Stumbles, and Flips Out
The post Election Campaign Handbook for Winners appeared first on The American Spectator | USA News and Politics.
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