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Podcast Transcript November 1, 2024: All About Handling Disagreements, Conflict, and Confrontation
Episode Description:
Today’s solutions news:
Today, Karissa covers tips and strategies for handling conversations with people you disagree with. Then, if things go further and you need to confront someone, Arielle shares how you can manage that with respect.
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Transcript:
Theme music
Karissa:
Hello and welcome to The Optimist Daily’s Weekly Roundup! I’m Karissa.
Arielle:
And I’m Arielle, and we’re working hard to put solutions in view and optimism in movement.
Karissa:
We’re back again with another episode of the pod to share the solutions from The Optimist Daily this week. How are you doing, Arielle?
Arielle:
Well, I am in France right now celebrating my birthday with a bunch of friends, but actually, there are four birthdays that we’re celebrating within our group, so that’s always fun because I’m kind of uncomfortable having all of the attention on me. So if there are other people to disperse it amongst, then I’m happy.
But yeah, it’s just been a really nice, cozy cottage getaway. But I have a feeling that the atmosphere in the States might be a little bit different. Yeah. How are you dealing with everything that’s going on with the election?
Karissa:
Yeah, well, Halloween is over—it was yesterday—but it’s still kind of spooky because, like you said, the election season is going on.
Arielle:
Yes.
Karissa:
Because Tuesday, of course, is the election, a lot of things are, you know, at stake in the next week. So, it is a little bit of a stressful time here in the States. We’re going to get through it, but there’s going to be a lot of difficult conversations and confrontations that come about, and that kind of has to do with our solutions of the day.
Arielle:
Yeah, we definitely thought it would be good to help our listeners and also remind ourselves how to handle confrontation.
But I guess before we hop into our solutions, we’re still doing the Changemaker Series again until Thanksgiving. Let’s just quickly go over who we’re covering this week. One of the local changemakers we are covering is the Waikoloa Dry Forest Initiative. Their whole mission is to revive Hawaii’s endangered ecosystems. The Waikoloa Dry Forest Initiative is tackling one of the toughest environments on Earth, which is Hawaii’s lowland dry forest. And since its formation in 2011, this nonprofit has worked tirelessly to restore this fragile ecosystem and protect native species and everything like that. Who else are we covering for the Changemaker Series?
Karissa:
This week, we also highlighted Treasure House Fashions in Pittsburgh, a second-hand clothing store that becomes more than just apparel. It’s a way to help women regain their confidence and sense of self-worth.
It’s also a nonprofit, and it’s committed to providing high-quality, gently-used clothing to women navigating life transitions such as homelessness, domestic violence, or financial hardship. The heart of Treasure House kind of lies in its approach because the boutique-style setting ensures that women who visit can shop with dignity and select pieces that make them feel strong, beautiful, and really ready for the next chapter of their lives.
Thank you again for these great nominations and letting us share them with the Optimist Daily community. Definitely head over to the Optimist Daily website and read more about these really great solutions.
Arielle:
Yes, and with that little note of positivity, let’s go straight into problem-solving.
Karissa:
The first part of this is how to have a conversation with someone that you disagree with because, you know, in light of the election atmosphere right now, there probably are a lot of conversations with people we disagree with. It’s inevitable.
We actually revisited this article on The Optimist Daily this week because we had published it before, but we wanted to bring it back to light. Here in this article, we have 11 tips for talking to someone you disagree with because, even if you don’t share the same opinion, these strategies will help you approach every conversation with respect and integrity, and even perhaps a compromise at points.
Arielle:
Yeah, and I think it’s also important to note that even though these tips are especially relevant now because of the charged political atmosphere, they’re definitely applicable to more than just this moment in time.
Karissa:
Yeah, exactly. Because you might disagree with something a family member did at a gathering. I mean, the holidays are coming up, so that’s also relevant for this—something your romantic partner or…
Arielle:
Mm-hmm.
Karissa:
…friend did, or there’s so many situations where these conversations are going to have to happen.
Arielle:
Well, on that note, please share tips to keep these conversations respectful.
Karissa:
First off, it’s always important to remind people that they matter. So before launching into any talking points, it can be very helpful to reinforce to the other person that you value them and recognize their importance as a fellow human being, as simple, “Before we begin, I just wanted to tell you that I care about you and respect your perspective,” will definitely do.
Arielle:
Especially if it’s someone you have a deeper relationship with. Say, for instance, you are having this conversation with a sibling. You could say something like, “You are my sister,” —this is something that I’ve definitely said…
Both:
(Laugh)
Arielle:
“You are my sister, and I, of course, care about you and want to show respect for your opinion.” Maybe I didn’t say it necessarily like that…
Both:
(Laugh)
Arielle:
…but I will the next time.
Karissa:
Yeah, exactly. I have a sister too, so it’s always someone we frequently disagree with—that’s just the nature of growing up with someone. Definitely remind them.
Arielle:
Yeah, exactly.
Karissa:
And even if it’s not someone that you’re particularly close with, everyone is a human being, and everyone has their opinion.
It’s important also to not let frustration get the best of you.
When having a discussion with someone you disagree with, frustration can be one of the first emotions that comes up. But rather than getting angry, channel this frustration into expressing your opinion in a collected and organized manner. If you can’t do this, it’s always okay to say, “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a moment to cool off before we continue.”
Arielle:
Yeah, stepping back is always acceptable and will help you avoid saying something you do not mean in the heat of the moment. But I think it’s also important, as you said, to tell them that you’re going to take the moment to cool off and that you will continue because I have also experienced people just walking away, which is not so helpful.
Karissa:
Exactly. Another tip we have is to acknowledge underlying fears because so much of our interpersonal conflict is based on fear. So, laying these uncertainties out on the table can be very beneficial.
Acknowledge your own fears and ask the other person about theirs to better understand how these concerns influence your different points of view. This practice also helps build empathy between participants.
Another tip we have is to not assume the worst. Kind of in the same vein, the vast majority of people want unity rather than division. So, seek to understand their perspective and assume they have good intentions—unless you have direct evidence to the contrary.
And then we also have, “Share your sources,” because there’s a lot of misleading information floating around in our world. So, discuss not only your opinions but also the facts and sources that inform your opinions.
It’s also important to use respectful language, because swearing, name-calling, blanket statements, and personal attacks will get you nowhere in a respectful discussion. So, speak with kindness and professionalism, no matter how upset you may be.
We also need to show that we understand, even if you don’t agree. And this tip kind of stood out to me because one time my English teacher in high school said this quote that really stuck with me—that true intelligence is being able to understand both sides of an argument, even if you don’t agree with the other side.
Arielle:
Yeah, that’s such a great point.
Karissa:
Like I said, though, you don’t have to agree with everything someone says, but you do need to make an effort to understand why they feel a certain way. So, listen carefully and seek clarification on issues you’re confused about. Kind of to deal with respect again, don’t defer to sarcasm in talking.
Arielle:
Guilty (laughs).
Karissa:
Yeah, it’s not great because we frequently turn to sarcasm in an attempt to lighten the mood, but this can all too often be misconstrued or misunderstood. So, try to avoid sarcasm in favor of language that doesn’t leave room for misinterpretation.
Arielle:
Yeah, this is definitely a tip that I should take to heart…
Karissa:
(Laughs)
Arielle:
…because it can be irritating in a serious conversation when someone turns to sarcasm to make a point, but often that’s just a defense mechanism or deflecting. But it’s important to realize how that can come off to the person you’re trying to communicate with.
Karisa:
And on that same note, don’t be condescending in these conversations, because oftentimes we use condescending language as a tool for control, but this will only leave your partner feeling patronized. So instead, seek to understand your partner’s knowledge level on a topic before launching into an explanation about it.
Alright, and the next tip is to teach and be taught. Difficult conversations with people who do not share our opinions allow us to develop more empathy and find a compromise by sharing an understanding of the issue at hand. Be open to receiving new information you may not know and share new facts with compassion.
And finally, at the end of this conversation, thank them for their opinion. Because at the end of any conversation, no matter the outcome, this diverse perspective was brought to your table. So even if you still disagree, their words opened up your viewpoint and added nuance to your argument.
Arielle:
These are really great tips that are applicable year-round for many, many different kinds of situations.
Karissa:
Totally.
Arielle:
So that leads us to my solution of the week, which is titled, How to Handle Confrontation the Right Way: Expert Tips for Managing Conflict. So, this is kind of like the conversation with someone you disagree with has graduated to something bigger.
Karissa:
Exactly.
Arielle:
We thought that we should dive into these kinds of topics because… Let’s be honest, it’s pretty uncomfortable for most of us to have to confront someone, and it’s one of those things that we often dread or… I don’t know. I definitely dread it. The idea of confronting someone just gives you that knot in your stomach and makes you all sweaty. But it turns out with the right approach, it doesn’t have to be like that at all.
Karissa:
Yeah, I think a lot of us hear “confrontation” and think of, like, yelling matches or the feeling of tension in the air, but it sounds like there might be a way to handle it that doesn’t involve stress and high blood pressure.
Arielle:
Yeah, exactly. So, experts say that confrontation can be a tool for growth if it’s done thoughtfully. Lynn Zakeri, a therapist based in Chicago, explains that confronting someone with assertiveness is very different from confronting them with aggression. So, it’s not about coming in hot; it’s about expressing your feelings and trying to understand the other person’s side, just kind of like what you said, Karissa.
Karissa:
Yeah, so it’s not really about storming in and demanding answers, which is good to know. What’s the benefit of this kind of healthy confrontation that you just mentioned?
Arielle:
Angela Williams, a mindset coach, talks about something called “carefrontation.” I actually really love this term! It’s basically addressing issues from a place of care, not combativeness, and Williams explains that doing so can actually create positive change.
Karissa:
Yeah.
Arielle:
When you speak your truth tactfully, it can foster more respect between you and the other person. And yeah, it may seem easier to avoid conflict, but handling things head-on can lead to healthier relationships in the long term.
Karissa:
I love that term too—carefrontation. It sounds like instead of focusing on what’s wrong, it’s more about focusing on finding a solution together.
Arielle:
Erin Gleason Alvarez, a mediator, backs this up by saying that if you leave a conflict unchecked, it tends to fester. So really, by addressing things as they come up, you’re stopping future problems from spiraling out of control.
Karissa:
Yeah, absolutely. It’s like a “pay now or pay later” situation. Deal with the issue calmly now, or risk a bigger mess later on.
Arielle:
Now, even though we’re hearing all about the benefits, that doesn’t necessarily make confrontation any easier, right? Confrontation still feels scary for a lot of people. Alvarez explains that this fear often stems from worries about rejection or being seen as difficult.
Karissa:
I totally get that. No one wants to be labeled as the “pot-stirrer” or worry about damaging the relationship just for speaking up.
I have that—I feel like I am scared of confrontation, and something that’s been really great in my relationship with my partner, my romantic partner, is that he’s very open when I have to “carefront” some things. Like, relationship issues inevitably come up. So that actually just happened in the past week, and I felt so much better after our carefrontation.
Arielle:
Yeah, that’s really good, and it’s great that he gives you the space and the respect to feel like you can speak up.
Karissa:
Yeah, and not that I’m difficult.
Arielle:
Aw, snaps for your relationship!
Both:
(Laugh)
Arielle:
So, Zakeri insists that handling confrontation properly doesn’t make you difficult; it actually makes you courageous. It’s all about framing. She says, “When done kindly and respectfully, confrontation can make you a courageous person, not a difficult one.”
Karissa:
And I guess especially for women and people of color, Alvarez points out that speaking up can sometimes carry this unfair label of being “difficult,” which, as I kind of just said, I feel like, you know, we have this fear.
Arielle:
Yeah, it’s perceived more as aggressive than assertive.
Karissa:
But Alvarez is saying that it’s important to push past that and approach things constructively.
Arielle:
Yes, that totally resonates with me. And yeah, so I guess now is the time to talk about how we can actually approach confrontation without escalating things. Here are some expert-backed strategies. First up, Zakeri suggests starting with a question instead of an accusation. For example, rather than saying, “I’m upset with what you did,” you could open with, “Hey, do you have a minute to talk?” because that just sets a more inviting tone.
Karissa:
I like that, and it keeps things more conversational instead of putting someone immediately on the defensive.
Arielle:
Then there’s the importance of timing. Zakeri says to pick a calm time to bring up the issue, so both sides feel more at ease. Finding a “safe space” makes the conversation more productive and less confrontational by nature.
Karissa:
So, no heavy conversations at, like, a family dinner or right before bed.
Arielle:
And planning is also crucial. Alvarez recommends asking yourself what you want to achieve before you start the conversation. Think about your goals to help guide the discussion towards a resolution.
Karissa:
Yeah, absolutely. It’s like setting your GPS before you hit the road. I feel like when I have a carefrontation moment, sometimes I’ll write out in my notes the points that I want to make. That’s just the kind of person I am—always being prepared.
Arielle:
When emotions run high, it’s easy to forget what you wanted to say in the first place, so it’s good to have a guide to help you through it. And on that note, if confrontation makes you nervous…
Karissa:
Mm-hmm.
Arielle:
…you could always practice beforehand. Alvarez suggests role-playing what you want to say, maybe with a trusted friend or just in front of a mirror. That would also work.
Karissa:
Practicing so you don’t stumble over your words or accidentally say something you don’t mean.
Arielle:
Precisely. Plus, Williams has another great tip: use “I” statements. This one I’ve heard before. Instead of saying, “You always do this,” say, “I feel upset when this happens because…” That keeps the focus on your experience without making the other person feel attacked.
Karissa:
Yeah, that’s so important. It’s all about communicating your feelings without blaming. Great tip.
Arielle:
And Zakeri also recommends keeping a growth mindset. By focusing on how this conversation could improve the relationship, you’re looking at confrontation as a pathway to growth, not just conflict.
But yeah, we all know that sometimes confrontation doesn’t go smoothly, even if you plan it out as best as you can. Williams points out that some people just don’t respond well to it, especially if they struggle with managing emotions. So, if that happens, she suggests using the “grey rock method.”
Karissa:
Ooh, grey rock—that sounds mysterious. What is that all about?
Arielle:
It’s basically about staying as emotionally neutral as possible. Think of it like embodying a rock—solid and unbothered. This way, if someone’s getting heated, you’re not adding fuel to the fire. It can help keep the conversation from escalating.
Karissa:
Yeah, that’s so good. It’s all about being steady and not getting pulled into the drama.
Arielle:
Which is probably hard, yes, but, you know, if you already have that in mind, then at least you can try your best. And finally, after the conversation, don’t forget to follow up.
This is something I’ve never really done, but I think it’s a really good point. Check-in with the person to make sure they understood your message and see if they’re on the same page. Williams also suggests taking a little time to reflect on how the encounter went. So, ask yourself, is there anything you would change? Would a follow-up chat help? Questions like that.
Karissa:
And if you’re not sure about how it went or if you need some advice, it could be helpful to talk it over with a therapist or a friend.
Arielle:
Confrontation is a skill, or carefrontation…
Karissa:
(Laughs)
Arielle:
…as we’re calling it now, and like any skill, it takes practice. But with these strategies, it can be a powerful way to build stronger, healthier relationships.
So, there you have it—that’s our take on handling confrontation and having uncomfortable conversations. Next time you’re in one of these situations, remember these tips: start with a question, keep it calm, and focus on growth. Because confrontation might just become less of a stressful, scary thing and more of an opportunity for connection.
Karissa:
Yeah, totally! I think it’s so important, and both of these articles that we just shared today are super relevant to me, especially with something I went through in the past week. So, I really enjoyed sharing these solutions with the rest of The Optimist Daily listeners and readers.
Arielle:
Hopefully, everyone’s gleaned something from it that they can apply in their regular daily lives. That was a great roundup of solutions, as usual, Karissa. We do have some other great solutions from this week that you can find on our website, optimistdaily.com, and they include:
Karissa:
The Federal Trade Commission implements tough new rule to combat fake reviews, Ireland’s reverse vending machine bottle return initiative as a recycling success story, “Do resistance bands count as strength training?”—a comprehensive guide, and The Azores lead Europe’s largest marine protected area network, which is a big win for conservation. What else do we have, Arielle?
Arielle:
We have expert tips to keep your microbiome happy this Halloween, so if you binged on the Halloween candy that you (or your kids) collected yesterday evening, definitely check out this article because it will help you get back on track. We also have Sound wave device provides one-hour blood test results with a single finger prick, and in four years, the US power grid increased battery storage to the equivalent of 20 nuclear reactors. And, of course, we have our Changemakers of the week: the Waikoloa Dry Forest Initiative and Treasure House Fashions.
Karissa:
Awesome. And if you want to start your day off right, make sure to subscribe to our free daily newsletter to get our solutions straight to your inbox.
Arielle:
We also have so much more on our social channels. You can find us @optimistdaily on all platforms, including Threads and Pinterest. The only difference is X—there, we are @OdeToOptimism.
Karissa:
We’re a small team of optimists working hard to bring you positive news. If you want to support our mission of putting optimism into the world, click the link in the show notes to find out how.
Arielle:
And support doesn’t always have to be financial. Even just recommending our podcast to a friend, leaving a positive review on Apple or Spotify, forwarding a link to a friend, or sharing a solution on your socials—all of that is a huge help for us.
Karissa:
Well, I hope these tips we shared today help you out in this election atmosphere and in just life in general, of course. But I’m looking forward to being back next week with more solutions to share with everyone, and until then, I hope everyone has a great weekend.
Arielle:
Yeah, (laughs) you said it well! Alright, Until next time! Bye.
Karissa:
Bye. The post Podcast Transcript November 1, 2024: All About Handling Disagreements, Conflict, and Confrontation first appeared on The Optimist Daily: Making Solutions the News.
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